Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
