i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
