I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
