can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
