just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
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