Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
