i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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