the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
