Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
