watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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