apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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