It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
