if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
