I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
