this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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