I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
