Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
