I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
