There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
