i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
