I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
