Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
