My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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