Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
