Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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