So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
