Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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