I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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