U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
