well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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