I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
