FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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