He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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