Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
