At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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