Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
