I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
