Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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