we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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