i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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