Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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