May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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