I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
