I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
