And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
