yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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