the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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