then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
whose ass print is on the piano?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
