I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
