We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
