And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
