i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
