we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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