I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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