At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
