I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
