: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
this is an emotional support booty call
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
