just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
There are leaves in my underwear?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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