Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
