I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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