My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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