My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
is it fun? or sober?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
