I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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